Colonel John Camden At Your Service
by umpcai
Summary: The kids gather at home to surprise Annie for Christmas, but she's not there. Everyone's stuck in the house, with Eric in charge, at least until the Colonel shows up.
1. Annie's Vacation

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Colonel John Camden At Your Service**

**Annie's Vacation**

"Are you sure you want to go?" Eric Camden asked his wife as he followed her out of their bedroom.

"My bags are packed and waiting by the door, Lily's gonna be here any minute, and I've given you instructions on keeping the kids, but no; I don't want to go!" Annie threw her hands up in the air and headed down the stairs. Her blonde hair swished as she walked.

"I know, Honey, but..."

"But! But what?" Annie paused on the landing, hands on her hips, staring hard at her husband. She loved the man, but he was being ridiculous. "Now I'm not even allowed to spend some time with my sister, my own flesh and blood!"

"No! No, it's just that, well, you know, it is Christmas," Eric slowly replied to his wife's outburst.

"Eric," Annie stated, "I am perfectly aware of what time of year it is. And I'll be back right after the 1st. Besides, it would only be Ruthie, the boys, you, and me. Lucy and Kevin are going to the Kinkirk's this year. We weren't having a big dinner, anyway."

"You forgot Happy," Eric said evenly.

"What," snapped a frustrated Annie. Did he just bring the dog into the conversation?

"You said Ruthie, the boys, you... "

"OK, OK, I get it. And Happy," Annie interrupted her husband. He was apparently losing it. She might as well humor him at least on this point.

"Look, I just don't see why you have to go now, over the holidays."

"Eric, stop being such a baby! I told you, when Lily called last week and invited me over, I got really excited. You know how much more I miss my Dad around Christmas. It was his favorite time of year. And it certainly didn't help that Ginger called the other day to 'see how the family's doing'. Me and Lily can talk. It'll help. I can share some more memories of my childhood. Memories of Dad that she missed out on." Annie explained, starting to cry.

Eric hugged his wife of twenty-seven years, "I'm sorry, Honey, I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I just miss him so much. So, so much!" Annie sobbed.

"Shhh," Eric comforted her, "It's OK, Annie, look at me, Honey."

She looked up into her husband's loving eyes, "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't go after all. I'll just call Lily and I'll..."

"No, you're gonna go and have fun," Eric cut her off, "Besides, Lily's already on her way; you can't get in touch with her"

"Car phone," Annie replied.

"Oh, well in that case," Eric paused, "Still, it wouldn't be very nice to have made her drive all this way and then turn around again..." A horn honked in the driveway.

"Especially since she's already here," Eric finished.

"Guess that means I am going after all," Annie said.

"I'll try to be strong," Eric put on his best puppy dog face.

Annie smiled in spite of herself and kissed Eric goodbye.

"Mom, Aunt Lily's here, in case you didn't hear her beating on that horn," Ruthie called coming down the stairs.

Annie ran up to Ruthie and kissed her forehead, "Bye, sweetie." She glanced around, "Where are the boys," she asked anxiously.

"Here we are, Mommy," David said as he and his twin entered the foyer.

"Bye, my babies," Annie kissed each of her youngest children.

"We're not babies anymore, Mommy," David stated.

"Yeah, we're six, now," Sam agreed.

"Big boys," the twins said in unison.

Annie smiled and kissed them both again. Her children were growing up so fast. Soon, the last of them would be out of the house and it would be just her and Eric. She shook her head. She didn't want to think about that. Besides, the twins were still little, no matter what they thought. Being in first grade wasn't all that old.

"Bye, kids; bye, Honey; I love you all!" She walked toward the door, as Lily blew the horn again.

"Bye, Mom," Ruthie called.

"Bye-bye," the boys yelled.

Eric smiled and waved goodbye.

"I'm going over to Peter's, now," Ruthie told her father as soon as the front door closed behind Annie.

"Hold it, Missy," Eric halted his teenaged daughter. "How about 'Dad, may I please go to Peter's, now?'"

"Sorry, Dad. May I please go to Peter's, now? It's for homework!" Ruthie begged.

"I'm so sure," Eric mumbled.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Go ahead; beat it. Have fun."

Ruthie kissed Eric's cheek, "Thanks, Dad, you're the best!" She left the house.

Eric watched her go, inwardly sighing. They gave that girl entirely too much freedom. She practically lived at Peter's house and vice versa. And at only sixteen. It was ridiculous. But, at least they were trustworthy.

"Well, boys, I guess it's just you and me," Eric turned toward Sam and David.

"Let's play LEGOs," Sam suggested.

"No, let's ride our bikes," David argued.

"My LEGOs are better than bikes!"

"No, bikes are better!"

"LEGOs!"

"Oh, no," Eric looked heavenward, "Please, not again. Their fighting phase is starting to bug me..."

"LEGOs!"

"BIKES!"

CRASH

Eric jerked back from his prayers.

"Uh-oh!" the twins ran upstairs.

"Oh, poop!" Eric cried going to pick up the pieces of yet another broken lamp.


	2. The Planning: Simon's Life

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**The Planning: Simon's Life**

"Cecilia?" Simon called, opening the door to his apartment. For once, their three month old daughter Kylie wasn't crying, so couldn't track his wife that way.

"In here," he heard her reply from the baby's room. He walked across the living room to the pink nursery.

"So," Cecilia asked when he entered, "Did your boss let you off?"

"Yeah," Simon answered, "After a lot of begging. So, did Lucy call?"

Just then, Kylie broke out into tears.

"Oh, Baby, shhh," Cecilia picked up her child. Then, she turned to Simon, "I had just gotten her to sleep not ten minutes before you walked in. Before that she was crying all day. You don't think she's sick do you?"

"Her pediatrician said it was just a phase. As she gets older, she'll grow out of it," Simon answered.

Cecilia sighed, "I know; I know. All babies cry. I just didn't realize it would be this much." She rocked Kylie in her arms, pacing back and forth across the room.

"I'll go get her bottle," Simon offered, walking out the door.

"Thanks," Cecilia called after him. She turned her attention back to her crying baby, "Please, please stop!"

Simon walked back into the nursery, but Kylie had stopped crying. "Why'd she stop?"

"She's sleeping again," Cecilia shrugged, placing her back in the crib.

"O-K," Simon put the bottle on Kylie's dresser.

"Let's go talk in the living room," Cecilia took Simon's hand, leading him from the room so they wouldn't wake the baby again. "I'll tell you what Lucy said when she called earlier."

"So?" Simon asked once they were seated on the couch.

Cecilia rested her head against Simon's shoulder, "She wants us to drive in tomorrow morning, so we can get settled in before Christmas Eve. We're all supposed to meet outside Rev. and Mrs. Camden's house at 10:00 am sharp. She called me first, but, after she hung up, she was going to call Matt and Mary. Then, she was heading over to your parents' house to further lead them to believe that she and Kevin are staying at his Mom's over the holidays."

"Can we be ready to leave tomorrow morning? I mean, it's already after three," Simon put his arm around Cecilia.

She snuggled closer to him, "Sure, I have everything packed."

"How'd you manage that?" he asked unbelievingly.

"Well, after every hour- or two- Kylie would stop crying for about five minutes, and all those intervals added up. I had plenty of time!" Cecilia laughed and looked up at Simon, who smiled and kissed her.

Of course, as was probably expected, Kylie chose that moment to start crying again, causing her parents to groan.


	3. The Planning: Matt's Life

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**The Planning: Matt's Life**

"Daddy!" Thomas ran up to his father, who had just walked in.

"Hey, Buddy," Matt exclaimed, picking up the toddler.

""Hey, Honey," Sarah walked in and kissed her husband.

Thomas squirmed in Matt's arms, so Matt gently set him down, ruffling the boy's hair. He watched as he ran to his toys, giggling.

Sarah smiled, "Lucy called. She wants us there tomorrow morning; so we have to catch a flight in tonight."

"Kind of short notice, isn't it?" Matt responded.

"Well, yeah, but..." Sarah shrugged, not even bothering to finish her sentence.

"OK, I guess we'd better start packing, then. And I've got to call in to work. It's a good thing classes are suspended for the holidays. "

"I already started packing, "Sarah said, "Actually, I'm finished packing, all except your shoes. I wasn't sure whether you wanted the dress ones or your sneakers." She glanced down, "Or the ones you're wearing right now. Or all of them, I guess."

"I'll just bring the ones I'm wearing. I can wear them on the plane."

"That reminds me; we've got to call Mary, too, about the tickets," Sarah remembered.

"I'll do it right after I talk to the boss."

"Mama, Daddy, look!" Thomas giggled, holding up a building he'd made with LEGOs.

"Wow! Thomas, that's very good," Sarah praised her small son.

Thomas ran off, laughing."You know, I think he's a genius." Matt bragged.

"Yeah, Hon, whatever you say," Sarah nodded.

"What?! You don't think so?" Matt asked, stunned.

"No, I didn't say that. I mean, he does speak incredibly well for his age and he can build great things with blocks, but that hardly qualifies him as a genius."

"Pessimist," Matt muttered under his breath.

Sarah sighed, "I just don't want to be thought of as one of those snobby mothers who thinks her kid is better than all the other kids."

"But, Honey, everyone does that," Matt stated.

Sarah looked thoughtful for a minute. You're right; he is a genius!" she finally agreed.

"I think he gets it from my side of the family," Matt put his arm around Sarah's shoulders.

She smiled up at him, "Yeah, tell my Dad that."


	4. The Planning: Mary's Life

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**The Planning: Mary's Life**

"Oh, yeah, sure. No, I already got your tickets. Yeah, Luce called me, too. OK, see you later. OK, bye-bye," Mary hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Carlos asked, walking through the front door in time to see his wife hang up the phone.

"Matt; we've got to meet him and Sarah at 9:00, so we can catch the 9:30 flight," Mary tucked a loose strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

Carlos stared at the love of his life. What was Mary talking about? Yeah, normally she was a little ditzy, but this was more like a little insane.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like, like I've gone mad. I was just telling you the plan for getting to Glenoak on time tomorrow," Mary said. _Why_ was Carlos _still_ looking at her like that?

"What?" Carlos was still lost. Glenoak? Tomorrow?

"What?" Mary couldn't figure out what his problem was. Maybe he'd gotten his hair cut earlier? Hadn't he mentioned something about a trim? And didn't men lose brain cells when they cut their hair? That's what Matt had told her once when she'd asked why he never cut his hair. He said he wouldn't make valedictorian if he did. And was the valedictorian of his high school class, with long hair. So, that must be true, right? And, here was Carlos. His hair did look shorter…

"Now, why are you looking at _me_ like that?" Carlos asked.

"Did you cut your hair?"

"What?" Talk about random thoughts. Now the woman was spouting off nonsense about cutting hair.

"When I was younger, Matt told me he couldn't cut his hair because guys lose brain cells when they cut their hair. So, did you?"

"Are you totally loco?" Carlos shouted, exasperated.

"What?" Mary asked, hurt. Why'd he yell at her?

"Guys don't lose brain cells like that. That's ridiculous. And sexist. Why wouldn't women? Actually, that's more likely, with you."

"Are you calling me stupid?" Mary asked.

"No, it's just," Carlos put his hands on Mary's shoulders, "look, Matt probably just told you that to make you stop asking about his hair. And because you're so gullible."

"What's gullible mean?"

Carlos sighed, "Never mind." He loved his wife, but sometimes she was just too dense.

"Oh, ok. Well, I'm gonna go check on the kids; they're napping. Then, I'll go pack," Mary smiled.

"Hold it. Pack for what?"

"To go to my parents house." Geez. Carlos was making that face again.

"Since when are we going to your parents?"

"Since Lucy planned a reunion for Mom's Christmas present," Mary said simply.

"You never told me anything about this."

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, then, I didn't. That's ok. Now, you know."

Carlos pinned her with another look. "So, we're leaving for Glenoak tonight?"

"Right."

"And we're meeting Matt and Sarah?"

"Yeah. Oh. That reminds me. I should call Simon and ask if he needs tickets."

"Now, what are you talking about?" Carlos asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Simon and Cecilia go to school in California."

"Oh. So, they don't need tickets. Right?"

Carlos nodded. "Right."

"OK," Mary smiled. She kissed Carlos. "I'll go pack now."

She walked away away, leaving her husband smiling in spite of himself.


	5. The Planning: Lucy's Life

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**The Planning: Lucy's Life**

Lucy hummed a happy little tune as she skipped across her parents' yard toward their back door. She was going to further lead them to believe that her and Kevin were spending the holidays with his family. It was all part of her master plan- Operation: Give Mom the Perfect Chritmas Gift- Her Children. She smiled, reaching her destination and walking inside. She saw her Dad placing PB&J sandwiches in front of her little brothers, who were sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hi, Dad. Where's Mom?"

"Gone."

"Gone! What do you mean 'gone'? How can she be gone?" Lucy panicked.

"Oh, that's right," Eric said calmly. He'd accepted that Annie wouldn't be present for Christmas. "We didn't mention it to you. Your Aunt Lily called last week and invited your Mom to spend Christmas with her. Since you and Kevin were going to his family's we figured it wouldn't have been a full house so we wouldn't have had a big dinner either. So, there was no reason why she shouldn't go see her sister. It's been so long and your mom misses her, and Grandpa. It'll do her good to be out of the house."

"How long will she be gone?"

"She'll be back after the first."

"Of the year?!" Lucy yelled, shocked.

"Uh, yeah," Eric answered, more than a little confused at his near hysterical daughter.

"Oh, no! This is not good, not good at all! What am I gonna do?" Lucy paced around the kitchen, talking to herself, and, eventually, walked out the side door.

"O-K," Eric said when the door shut and he was left in silence.

"Back so soon?" Kevin asked when Lucy stumbled into their home.

"My mom left," she yelled.

"What do you mean, 'left'?"

"She left! She went to see Aunt Lily in Chicago for the holidays!"

"When's she coming back?" questioned Kevin.

"January!" Lucy exploded, "Can you believe that?! Here we are planning this BIG surprise for her and she just up and leaves!"

"You'd better call Matt, Mary, and Simon. Tell them it's off," Kevin logically pointed out.

"Right. I will do that. I just can't believe it's all ruined!" Lucy pouted.

"I'm sure it'll do your Mom good to get out of the house. Maybe you can try again next Christmas to get everyone together," Kevin suggested.

"Oh, great. Way to cheer me up!" Lucy snapped, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make."

Several minutes later, Lucy came running back in the room, "I can't reach them! Matt, Mary, Simon- none of them! Six cell phones and not one is being picked up! Three households, with phones, and I can't get in touch with them!"

"Calm down, Luce. You can try again later. OK. Just calm down," Kevin said, trying to gain control of the situation.

"Easy for you to say!" Lucy yelled, "This isn't fair! Why didn't anyone tell me Mom was leaving _before_ I told everyone to come back? Why am I _always_ the last one to know everything?"

"Still living in that black hole, huh?" Kevin teased.

Lucy glared at him.


	6. Ruthie's Little Secret

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Ruthie's Little Secret**

"I've got to go home. You want to come?" Ruthie asked her longtime boyfriend Peter.

It was early the next morning and Ruthie and run over to work on their school project. It was due after winter break. However, she needed to be home soon or she would miss all the fun that was about to happen. And she so loved fun, especially if she had caused it.

"Why?" Peter responded, "We didn't even finish our project."

"I know, but we have the rest of the holidays to finish and I've really got to get home."

"Again, why?" Peter asked.

"Matt, Mary, Simon, and their families are coming home this morning, in exactly eight minutes, to surprise my Mom for Christmas," Ruthie explained.

"But, your Mom left," a baffled Peter said.

"Yeah, so?" Ruhthie twisted a strand of hair around her finger.

"But, your Mom left," a still-confused Peter repeated.

"I know!" Ruthie snapped.

"But, your Mom-"

"_I_ know that and _you_ know that, but Matt, Mary, and Simon, see, they _don't_ know that," the teen interrupted her obviously blonde boyfriend.

"So, you knew they were coming, to surprise your Mom, and you knew your Mom was leaving, but you didn't say anything?" Peter tried to sort everything out.

"Pretty much," Ruthie plainly stated.

"But, Ruthie, that's mean. And it's not like you."

"Look! I haven't seen my brothers and sister in a _**long **_time and I _**want **_to see them. They're not gonna come just because! They do have lives, you know!" she paused. "Besides, I can't wait to see their faces when they realize Mom's not there even though they came all this way. Oh, the fun!" Ruthie grinned and her brown eyes sparkled dangerously. "Now, are you coming are not?!" she asked again.

"I...guess," Peter hesitantly agreed, slightly frightened by his girlfriend's outburst.

"Good!" Ruthie grabbed Peter's hand and proceeded to drag him out of his house and down the street toward her own home.


	7. Surprise

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Surprise**

"Surprise!" the Camden kids shouted as the door to their parents' home opened.

"You're not Mom," Mary stated the obvious, after it was revealed that Lucy was the one behind the door.

"You think?"

Mary threw an evil glance Simon's way, but he just smiled at her.

"I thought you were gonna make sure Mom answered the door. So?" Matt asked his younger sister.

"Mom left," Lucy answered.

"Left where?" asked Mary.

"She's visiting Aunt Lily."

"Since when?" Matt prompted Lucy to continue, since it didn't appear as though she'd tell the whole story without a little bit of help.

"Yesterday," Lucy flatly replied. She had accepted the fact that her surprise was ruined, but she didn't care to talk about it, even with her siblings.

"Don't you think you could've called us?"

"I did!" Lucy yelled at her little brother. She was starting to get just a little bit agitated with all the questions. And Simon's previous one was the last straw. "I couldn't get through on your house phones or your cell phones! I tried all night! So, don't you yell at me, Mister!"Lucy stood on her toes so she could yell directly into Simon's face, while pointing an accusing finger at him. Sometimes being short just wasn't worth it.

"We unplugged the phones and turned off our cells last night," Simon explained, backing away from Lucy. Even small people were sometimes scary. Especially when their hair seemed to be standing straight up on its own. _**Kind of looks a cat's hair when their mad**_, Simon thought.

"Yeah," Cecilia glanced at her husband, who had a goofy grin on his face. _**Wonder if he sees the resemblance of Lucy to a cat, too**_, she thought to herself. Cecilia shook her blonde head to clear her thoughts, and then turned back to Lucy, "We finally got Kylie to sleep and we didn't want to take the chance of the phones ringing and waking her, or ultimately us, up. We need to sleep, too, you know!"

"Yeah, but just because our phones were off doesn't give you an excuse," Simon started, regaining his courage. "Why didn't you know until last night that Mom was leaving?"

Walking out the door, Kevin answered Simon's question with two simple words, "Black Hole."

Immediately, Simon understood. "Oh," he nodded, while Lucy shot daggers at her husband.

Just then, Kylie started screaming.

"Not again," Simon whined.

"Shhh, it's OK, Baby," Cecilia tried to calm her daughter.

"Let me try," Simon took Kylie from his wife. He and Cecilia walked into the house to try and quiet the crying baby.

"And what, pray tell, is your excuse?" Lucy asked her two older siblings.

"We took a late flight last night, so we could be here this morning, like you said," Sarah glanced at Matt, slowly losing her courage under the miniature blonde's careful scrutiny. As mentioned before, Lucy could get pretty scary.

"And they said to turn off all cell phones for take-off," Matt picked up where his wife left off, careful to avoid Lucy's gaze, lest he should chicken out, too. "I guess we forgot to turn them back on."

"That sounds like something I would do."

"Honey, you did do that. Look," Carlos showed Mary their cells, "ours are off, too.

"Oh," Mary smiled.

"In, go in," Thomas giggled.

Outside, everyone smiled, while inside, Kylie wailed at the top of her little lungs.

"Mind if we come in, too?" Matt asked, not so afraid any more.

Lucy's hair seemed to have flattened back out, thanks to Thomas's cuteness. Thank goodness for small children.

"Sure, why not," Lucy lead the way inside.


	8. Ruined Plans

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Ruined Plans**

Walking into the Camden home, Ruthie and Peter heard nothing but Kylie's continuous crying.

"Hi, when did you guys get in?" Ruthie asked brightly, seeing her brothers and sisters in the living room.

"About two minutes ago," Simon answered. "We _**were **_going to surprise Mom, for Christmas, but Lucy, being herself, didn't know that Mom was leaving for the holidays until it was too late to reach us." Obviously, Simon had regained his courage, also.

When Lucy stuck her tongue out at Simon, he shouted, "Oh grow up!" causing everyone to stare at him. "What?" he demanded.

"Why are you so grumpy?" Ruthie asked, being the bravest of the Camden clan and coincidentally also being the closest to her blonde older brother.

"I am NOT grumpy," snapped Simon.

Cecilia patted his arm, "Baby, yes you are; go take a nap."

"I'm going to say hi to Dad. Or did he leave, too?" Simon stood up, looking at Lucy.

"No, he's still here," Lucy said, ignoring the sarcasm in Simon's voice.

Simon left the room, Happy at his heels. Everyone else just sat around staring at each other.

"So..." Sarah tried to start a conversation, "Where's Kevin? Wasn't he just here?"

"OK, I'm gonna leave, now," Ruthie dragged Peter into the kitchen.

"Working," Lucy answered Sarah. "He was leaving when you saw him."

"Oh."

In the kitchen, Ruthie and Peter discussed the other Camdens.

"Geez, are they boring! I would've called last week and told them all to stay home if I'd known they'd be like this!" Ruthie complained.

Coming the rest of the way down the stairs, Simon started, "You knew we were coming..."

Ruthie spun around, facing the stairs. She'd been caught.

"And you knew Mom was leaving," Simon continued, "but, you let us come all the way out here anyway! We all have jobs and school and, and lives. We can't waste our time here!"

Ruthie apologized with a puppy dog face. She'd win this battle, no doubt. "I'm so sorry."

Peter glanced at Ruthie, "I think I'll leave, now. Unless you want me to stay."

"I'll call you later," Ruthie never took her eyes off of Simon. The first step in sibling wars was to intimidate your opponent. And Ruthie was great at this. She had Simon right where she wanted him. Now all she had to do was draw him in and what better than with pity. Ruthie started to cry.

"Don't cry," Simon begged.

"I can't help it," Ruthie sobbed, "You're so mean." Now, having known Ruthie for the whole fifteen, almost sixteen, years of her life, Simon should've seen right through this trick. It was so classic. First she'd apologize, to lower his anger. Then, she'd stare at him, as if her eyes could see straight through to the wall behind. Once he was no longer mad, just scared, she'd have to cry or do something similar, to make him feel sorry for her. After that, the battle was a sure win.

Unfortunately for him, living away from Ruthie for the last two and a half years had made Simon careless to details of her little games. He fell for the bait.

"I'm sorry. I'm just really tired. Kylie _**won't **_sleep, so me and Cecilia _**can't **_sleep. And..." he paused, "It's no excuse; I'm sorry. I'll stay, I promise, and I'm sure everyone else will, too. OK?"

"Thanks," Ruthie went to hug Simon, but pulled away at the last moment. "Psych!" she hollered, running up the stairs, laughing.

Ruthie had won the first battle. Simon had promised to stay. Now, all she had to do was think of some more tricks to pull. Maybe her older siblings' stay wouldn't be so boring, after all. Simon chased Ruthie upstairs, while she closed herself in her room, to think of new ideas.


	9. That's Life

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**That's Life**

"What did you do?!" Eric exclaimed as he walked into the living room.

He surveyed the poor room and was shocked by what he saw. The floor was covered with toys and empty dishes and there were open bags of chips and other various snacks spread over the coffee table and chairs. It was a horrible mess. And right in the middle of it all was his family, lounging around in their pajamas, even though it was only six p.m.

"You haven't been here twenty-four hours," Eric yelled, "How could you create so much chaos?!"

Matt shrugged, "The kids needed to play."

"Should you be yelling, Reverend Camden?" Cecilia asked, concerned, "It can't be good for your heart."

"I'm fine," Eric sighed, "Look, it's not that I'm not just thrilled that you're all here, but if you're just gonna sit there, letting a mess gather, then GET OUT!"

"Simon made us stay!" Matt yelled, defending himself.

"Ruthie made me stay!" Simon angrily glared at Matt first, then his little sister.

"I didn't think you'd all just sit there, staring into space!" Ruthie shouted.

"You're one to talk," Simon muttered.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?!" Ruthie demanded.

"You're doing the same exact thing!" Simon shouted back.

"You know what I say, 'if you can't beat them, join them'," Ruthie chirped with a toss of her long brown ponytail.

"Since when do you say that?" asked Mary, genuinely puzzled.

Ruthie just rolled her eyes in response.

The phone rang. Happy barked. Eric looked around.

The phone rang. Happy barked. Eric looked around.

The phone rang. Happy barked-

"Happy!" Simon hushed his dog.

The phone rang. Happy didn't bark. Eric looked around. "Isn't any gonna get that?" he finally snapped, looking around again.

"Oh, fine!" Lucy picked up the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey, Luce," Roxanne, Kevin's former police officer partner and one of Lucy's best friends, said. "How is everybody?"

"My whole family's here and we're all about to kill each other," Lucy flatly answered.

"That well, huh?"

"Yeah, so what's up?" Lucy questioned her pal.

"Oh, nothing really. I was just calling to say 'hi'," Roxanne replied.

"Well, 'hi'," Lucy said.

"Hi," Roxanne answered.

"This is certainly stimulating."

"Get off the phone!" Lucy yelled at her younger sister, who had picked up the other line. "Look I gotta go," Lucy told Roxanne, once Ruthie had hung up the other phone.

"Sure, no problem. I'll talk to you later, Luce. Bye."

"Bye," Lucy hung up.

"Lucy," Eric started, "what are you doing here? You have your own house."

"Well, fine, if you don't want me!" Lucy cried.

"Luce, stop! You're almost worse than Kylie," Sarah said covering her ears.

"Hey!" Cecilia said, furiously.

"Oops, did I say that out loud?" Sarah put her hand to her mouth in mock shock.

Cecilia glared at her.

"If looks could kill," Sarah shuddered.

Suddenly, there was crying over a baby monitor. Cecilia, Mary, and Sarah all shook their individual monitors, trying to determine from whom's the crying came from.

"Not us," Sarah set her baby monitor down.

Mary was still shaking hers, closer to her ear, though. "I can't tell."

"Uh, Honey," Carlos pointed to Johnny and Jessica lying across his and Mary's laps, sleeping.

"You know," Mary blushed, "when they're asleep like that, you kind of forget they're there." She smiled sheepishly.

Everyone stared at her.

Cecilia shook her head in disgust, "Come on," she pulled Simon off the couch, "that's ours."

"Can you check on Thomas?" Matt called after them as they walked out of the living room.

"Sure, I'll check on Tom-my!" Simon called back, grinning.

"Tho-mas!" Matt and Sarah yelled in unison.

Simon waved his hand over his head in answer.

"Want some chips?" Ruthie asked her father, offering him some Doritos.

"Sure, why not," Eric replied, still trying to figure out how his oldest daughter got so, so, well, stupid. _**Must have been when she dyed **__**her**__** hair blond**_, he thought. _**Good thing she went back to a **__**brunette**__**. Could've been even dumber.**_

Eric plopped down on the couch next to his youngest daughter, who was also, obviously, his smartest child. "It's like you always say," he told Ruthie, "If you can't beat them join them." He shoved some chips into his mouth.

"When does she say that?" Mary asked, still truly confused.

Carlos patted Mary's head. "It's OK, Honey. Everything's just fine."

Ruthie laughed. She just couldn't hold it in any longer.


	10. Why

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Why?**

"Tho-_mas_ is fine," Simon said, walking into his old room, where his family was staying.

Cecilia nodded to Simon and continued to tend to Kylie, "."

"I don't see why we can't call him Tom-_my_," Simon continued. "What possible difference does it make if he's Tom-_my_, instead of Tho-_mas_."

Cecilia sighed, "Matt and Sarah _both _explained that since Carlos and Mary named one of the twins John-_ny_, they didn't want the confusion of having two names ending in y in the same family."

"Why?" Simon said, "There's no law in our world that says you can't have two y-ending names in a single family. Now, I'm not so sure about Matt and Sarah world..." He trailed off.

"Stop being mean," Cecilia scolded, though a smile was tugging at her lips.

"Sorry, but I don't get their logic. The kids hardly see each other, anyway. So, what does it matter?" he paused. "Besides, what about Mar-_y_ and Luc-_y_? And both Ruthie and my Mom's names sound like they end in y."

"I..." Cecilia shrugged, realizing she had no answer. "I don't know, but it's not our choice, so humor Matt and Sarah, _please_."

She looked down at the child in her arms, "She finally went to sleep."

Simon sat on the chair that was near his old desk, "I still think Matt and Sarah are _completely_ mental."

"Isn't she beautiful?" Cecilia remarked, laying Kylie in her portable crib.

Simon looked at his baby, "Yeah, she is."

"You know," Cecilia pointed out, "Kylie has a y-sounding end, too."Simon looked at his wife, not sure if she was mocking him or his brother. She was smiling, so he figured it was him. "Hey, that's not"

Cecilia cut him off, kissing him on the lips. "Shh," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck, "You'll wake the baby." She kissed him again and this time, not caught off guard, Simon kissed her back, pulling her closer toward him.

"Ahem," Eric announced his entrance, but the two teens ignored him.

"Ahem!" He cleared his throat once more, louder this time. "I hate to interrupt..."

"Dad/Reverend Camden!" Simon and Cecilia said in unison, pulling away from each other. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Uh-huh, yeah, "Eric scratched his forehead, next to his eye, "So, uh, all of us downstairs, in the _real_ world, took a vote."

"For?" Simon prompted.

"Oh, uh, for dinner, assuming you _are_ coming down for dinner," Eric paused to let his son answer. Simon nodded, so, he continued, "Pizza won. I just wanted to make sure that it was OK with you guys, though, before I ordered it."

"Pizza's fine," Simon said, nonchalantly.

"Yeah, fine," Cecilia agreed, using the same manner as her spouse.

"Fine, I'll... go order it," Eric hesitated at the door.

"OK, bye, Dad.

"Bye," Eric reluctantly left the room.

"We _are_ married. Why did he," but Simon didn't get to finish. Two adorable little six year olds just happened to wander into the room at that precise moment.

"Want to play Twister?" David asked.

Little Sam handed the game to Cecilia, recalling how much fun he and David had had when she used to baby-sit for them. But that was before she married their big brother, before she had her own baby, before she moved away, before she forgot them, before... Sam stopped himself. Maybe he was getting too carried away with his thoughts. Cecilia called to talk to them all the time. She hadn't forgotten them. And, thanks to Simon, she was now his sister, instead of just his favorite babysitter. Good ole' Simon.

Speaking of which, good ole' Simon had just exchanged a knowing glance with his wife, who was beginning to set up the game.

Outside of Simon's door, a certain minister was grinning and pumping his fist in the air, "I still got it!" he whispered.

Twenty minutes later, that same minister heard the doorbell ring and not only heard, but also saw a little white dog, barking and jumping around. Even in her old age, Happy still enjoyed company, even if it wasn't pleasant company, because if it was _un_pleasant company she would get to growl. And, oh, how that sweet little angel of a dog loved to growl, that is, of course, if it was on the right occasion.

"Down girl," Eric commanded the terrier. "I'll get it," he yelled to his family, though most of them were only right next door in the living room but, considering their recent attitude, he doubted they would move a muscle if the house caught fire.

And so Eric answered the door, and got a big surprise. "DAD!" he squeaked.

Happy growled in the background.


	11. Let The Torture Begin

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Let the Torture Begin**

"Dad!" Eric repeated, shocked.

"Hi, son. I thought it was about time for my yearly visit."

Eric gave his father a quick hug. "So, uh, Dad, where are Mom and George?"

"Oh, your brother's going to Harvard, smart boy, that George. He's becoming a lawyer. Your mother decided to stay for a while, help him settle in, you know, the usual. I'm not sure George was too thrilled about that. Anyway, I dropped them off and decided to fly out here to see you and Julie. But, when I called Julie from the airport, she said Hank had some kind of doctor's conference in Colorado, so he was taking the family along to go skiing for Christmas. And, well, here I am," the Colonel stated, advancing towards the house. "I'm sure you don't mind putting a roof over your dear old Dad's head."

"Well, actually, about that, um, you see, we, we're kind of full. The kids all came back and so... we... don't really have any, um... room," Eric said, trying to prevent his father from entering the disaster area that he called home. "So, uh, George is becoming a lawyer, huh? That, that's interesting."

"Yeah, it is," the Colonel said, entering the house by gently shoving Eric aside. "And don't worry about me, son." The colonel made his way through the foyer, approaching the sliding doors that lead to the living room. "I'll just sleep on the," completely oblivious to what lie on the other side of the doors, the Colonel opened them, "couch," he finished.

All seven Camden kids, plus their significant others, looked up from their assortment of places around the living room, as the doors opened.

"Hi, Colonel," they all said at once.

Eric scratched his face, "Yeah, about that couch; it's kind of... occupied."

"What tornado swept through this house!" the Colonel exploded, slowly surveying the room that used to be before him. "All of you up; stand, NOW!!!"

Ten faces stared blankly at the Colonel.

"What? Don't you have ears? Up, on your feet! Look at this mess! What has gotten into you?!" the Colonel's tirade began. "You were raised better than this! Where's Annie? I can't believe she's letting you fall apart like this! I'd hate to see _your_ places! None of you should've left home if you don't even know how to keep a mess from collecting!"

"Mom went to Aunt Lily's for Christmas," Ruthie told the Colonel.

"Yeah, we all came back into town to surprise her, but she wasn't here. She won't be back until after New Year's," Matt explained.

"And the kids needed to play," he said as an afterthought, referring to the mess.

"Oh, they needed to play. Well, that just explains everything," the Colonel said, appearing to be calm.

"Yeah," Matt smiled.

"NO!" the Colonel yelled, "All of you, upstairs. In bed. Don't make me say it twice. Starting tomorrow, we're gonna have a few new rules around here."

The Colonel was met with eleven blank stares, since Eric had joined the kids.

"I don't live here," Lucy stated, breaking the silence.

"None of you do," Ruthie pointed out.

"It's only seven-thirty," Matt argued, wondering where he, or Lucy for that matter, got up the nerve to contradict the Colonel. Ruthie was a different story.

"Enough with the excuses," the Colonel boomed, "Upstairs, NOW!"

Scared, all the kids, but Lucy, ran up the stairs. Lucy was imagining that the Colonel was a kitten, so that she could talk him into letting her leave, before she lost the nerve that had impressed her big brother so much.

Turning to her, his temper rising, the Colonel shouted, "Luce! Call your husband. Tell him you will be staying here for the night. You helped make this mess and you're gonna help clean it up."

"I don't even have kids," Lucy started, but the Colonel cut her off with a look that could scare even the toughest of men. He had just turned into a ferocious lion.

"If I let you leave, how do I know you'll come back?"

"I will come back. I will," Lucy begged, frantically trying to get out of the prison that she used to call home. Her brothers and sisters may be willing to go through this, but she wasn't gonna take it. Not even from the Colonel. She tried to picture him back into a kitten, but it wouldn't work, so she just closed her eyes.

The Colonel considered her plea. Maybe, she really would come back. After all, this _was_ the granddaughter who was on her way to becoming a minister. She wouldn't lie. The Colonel glanced at Lucy, her eyes scrunched up, that scared little frown, her trembling body.

"Lucy, _I_ will make that phone call for you, since you, obviously, don't want to. Get upstairs!" How often did he get a chance to _play_ with his grandchildren? Why ruin the fun.

Lucy, still wavering, headed upstairs.

Eric, still stunned, spoke up, "What about me?"

"Did I stutter? I said EVERYONE! That means you, too!" the Colonel shouted.

"OK, goodnight," Eric left the room.

"It's gonna be a _long_ visit," the colonel predicted, pushing toy on top of toy off of the couch, so that he could make up his temporary bed.


	12. A Long Night

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**A Long Night**

"It... won't ... budge!" Matt groaned trying to push the two beds that are in his room together.

Sarah held a sleeping Thomas. "Will you give up?! You've been trying to push those stupid beds together for the past twenty minutes. They're most probably bolted to the floor. We can just each take a bed."

"What about Thomas?" Matt said logically. "We need one big bed, so he can fit in the middle."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Then, I guess, keep pushing. If you can't get it, we can always sleep on the floor."

"Thanks for the encouragement."

"Your welcome, honey," Sarah smiled.

Back in Simon's room, he and Cecilia talked about the outcome of their ruined surprise.

"I think we have the best room in the house," Simon said smiling.

"That's for sure. Matt and Sarah are in there struggling with the beds, Mary and Carlos are roaming the halls like beggars, and Lucy's incorporated back into the household. Does Kevin even know where she is?"

"She said the Colonel was going to call him," Simon answered his wife.

"Oh."

Well, goodnight," Simon leaned over and kissed Cecilia.

She returned his kiss, "Nite."

"Goodnight, David," Sam told his brother.

"Goodnight, Sam."

"Goodnight, Simon; goodnight, Cecilia!" Sam and David yell through the doors connecting theirs and Simon's rooms.

"Goodnight," Simon and Cecilia yell back.


	13. No Room in the Inn

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**No Room in the Inn**

"Dad? Dad, are you there? It's us," Mary knocked softly on her father's bedroom door. At least she thought it was softly. She really couldn't tell though. Spending the last few hours in the same house as Kylie had made her somewhat deaf in at least one of her ears.

Waking from a sound sleep, due to the pounding on his door, Eric groggily told Mary it was OK to come in- an action he immediately regretted.

Mary rushed in, dragging her husband and two small children behind her.

"We have no place to sleep," she rambled at an abnormally fast speed, "There's no room in Matt's 'Hello Kitty Paradise', Simon and Cecilia laughed when we asked to stay in there, not that I want to be with that crying kid, anyway. Lucy stole the only extra bed in Ruthie's room. Why'd you have to take mine out? We were gonna sleep on the sofa bed, but the Colonel's already staked his claim on that territory and we can't contradict _him_…"

"You're his favorite," Eric cut his daughter off. He could feel a headache coming on.

"Am not!" Mary protested.

"Are, too. Go away. Contradict," Eric mumbled, rolling back over in bed. He threw a pillow over his head to try and drown a still whining Mary.

"But, Dad, can't you just sleep down there? We can take yours and Mom's bed. You'll be very comfortable on the other!"

Eric sat up and stared at her. She had that innocent puppy-dog pout on her face. His resolve was weakening. But his bed was so comfortable and the couch was so hard and lumpy and so… right next to the Colonel. It could possibly mean his death if he went down there.

"Please, Sir, for the children."

Carlos just had to throw in his polite self. It was like the cherry on top of the chocolate sundaes Eric wasn't supposed to have because of his heart. There was no way he could resist that plus Mary's dear little face begging for compassion. He was fighting a losing battle. Why'd he have to let them in? It wouldn't have hurt to let them keep pounding on his door. So what if he wouldn't have gotten any sleep, at least he would've been safely away from ….. HIM.

"Luce. Lucy, honey, wake-up," Kevin gently nudged his wife's sleeping form. He had to tread delicately on this ground. Lucy could be fairly cranky when she was waked from a peaceful night's sleep. And after a hard day of work, Kevin really didn't want, nor have a need, to deal with her temper.

"Huh?"

So far, so good. She didn't seem too upset. "Your Grandpa called me. He said we're staying over here. I came as soon as I got off work. What's wrong? What happened downstairs?"

"Nothing," Lucy answered, still surprisingly calm. Now this should've set off some kind of alarm in Kevin's head, but it didn't. However, he did have that hard day at work. That must have him not thinking straight and not running as far away from this house and his strangely behaving wife as is humanly possible.

Lucy continued on, oblivious to the weird grin that was gracing Kevin's features. Poor guy thought he'd won and wouldn't have to face 'The Dreaded Wrath of Lucy Camden Kinkirk'. Oh, how wrong he was.

"The Colonel won't let me leave. He says I need to help clean up and he thinks I won't come back tomorrow. Which, by the way, are you working?" Lucy asked sweetly.

"Tomorrow, no."

"Good. Then, he won't let you leave either. You can help."

So, that was her devious plan, Kevin thought. No wonder she didn't yell at me. I guess cleaning Mom and Dad's house is a small price to pay for not being yelled at. "No problem," he replied, smirking.

Trying to climb into Lucy's tiny one-person bed with her, Kevin found the task impossible. "We don't fit," he complained.

Big mistake. His poor brain still wasn't working. And, now Lucy was mad. She'd tried to be patient; she was nice when she told him he had to help everyone clean, but now he was keeping her from her beloved beauty rest. And so the wrath ensues.

"You think," she cried angrily, throwing her extra pillow onto the ground. "Get down there," Lucy said, pointing to the floor.

This is the point where Kevin should've shut up. I repeat, should've.

"On the hard floor?"

Lucy glared at him, "Yes! All the other beds in the house are taken!"

Kevin flinched at the tone of her voice. But, he knew it would all blow over by morning. So, he continued. "Couch?"

"Colonel!"

"Our old garage apartment?"

"We took the bed with us when we moved, but if you want to sleep on wood in a cold garage, be my guest."

"What about..."

"SHUT UP!" Ruthie yelled, surprising the wrath right out of Lucy and the brainless persistence out of Kevin. "I am trying to sleep here." She tossed a blanket and pillow toward Kevin. It hit him square on the face. Considering she was all the way across the room, it was a pretty good hit. Perhaps, she should take up some kind of sport like Mary was always telling her to. But right now she had other things to take care of. She'd think about her athletic abilities some other time. "There," she said, rather loudly, referring to the materials she had just thrown. "Goodnight!"

"RUTHIE!" the whole household screamed, having enough of all the shouting that was coming from the attic suite.

"Great, get me in trouble," she shouted at Lucy. And Kevin, who was currently out of sorts. He'd just faced the wrath of Lucy and now he was facing Ruthie's. Tonight was turning out very badly.

Stumbling down the stairs, Eric could be heard muttering, "Not fair. I can't believe I gave in. Dumb politeness."

He made it to the living room and lay down on the couch with a "Humph."

"Goodnight, son," the Colonel said.

Eric mumbled incoherently.

"Speak up, my boy."

Eric mumbled again and the Colonel made out the word 'Goodnight'.

"See you in the morning. Got to get up bright and early, you know. Lot's of work to do."

Eric, however, did not hear his father, for he was already fast asleep.


	14. When the Colonel speaks, LISTEN

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**When the Colonel Speaks, Listen**

Early the next morning, a whistle blew, causing everyone to stir in their beds, or in some cases, makeshift-beds. However, no one actually got up. The whistle blew again and again and again. Eventually, the whistle irritated them to no end. Everyone, excluding those smaller than Sam and David, headed to the kitchen, where the noise seemed to be coming from.

"It's four a.m.," complained Eric.

"We have a lot to do," answered the Colonel, rather cheerfully.

"It's four a.m.," Eric repeated, still trying to get the sound of that whistle out of his ears.

The Colonel blew his whistle. "Everyone get in line, four rows, size order, tallest to shortest, front to back and left to right."

Everyone stared at him. The Colonel blew his whistle again. This time, every person got into the specified arrangement.

"Stand up straight," commanded the Colonel, "arms at your sides, hands in a fist, with your thumb out. Put your head high. Hold it straight; look forward. Be proud. Don't slouch. Feet at a forty-five degree angle, heels touching. I said don't slouch; stop bending your knees."

As everyone straightened up, with Lucy and Ruthie helping the twins, the Colonel yelled, "That's better. This is called Attention. Now, how did everyone sleep?"

"Crowded," Mary and Carlos fussed.

"Uncomfortably," grunted Matt and Sarah. "We didn't fit."

"Fine," Lucy said, impassively.

"I have a backache," moaned Kevin.

"Horrible. Kevin snores," Ruthie criticized.

"I do not!"

Ruthie stuck her tongue out at Kevin, causing the Colonel to blow his whistle. "Enough!" his voice boomed. Ruthie hurried back to Attention.

"We slept great," Simon and Cecilia bragged, with huge smiles plastered on their faces. "Kylie didn't wake up once, so we caught up on some much needed rest."

Everyone glared at them, causing their smiles to grow even bigger, if that was at all possible.

"What about you, son?" the Colonel asked Eric.

Eric growled.

"Well, I slept perfectly," the Colonel announced.

Matt whispered to Sarah, "He'd sleep perfectly on a bed of nails."

Unfortunately, the Colonel heard him. "Quiet!" he blew his whistle. "Now, for the assignments."

Everyone groaned.

The Colonel blew his whistle, yet again. "Le…"

Ruthie marched up to her grandfather and grabbed the whistle from his hands. She threw it down the garbage disposal. It made a horrible sound as it was ground into nothingness. Ruthie grinned evilly. She'd destroyed the atrocious whistle. She'd never have to hear its ghastly note anymore.

"That was uncalled for, young lady," scolded the Colonel, pulling another whistle from his back pocket.

"You've got to be kidding," Ruthie stared in disbelief.

The Colonel blew his new whistle, "Get back in line."

On the way back to her spot, Eric muttered a 'nice try' to his daughter. Surprisingly, the Colonel didn't catch him.

"Just for that, Ruthie, you have bathroom duty. I want all three of them scrubbed until they shine!"

"Ok, next," the Colonel continued. "Simon and Cecilia, kitchen and dining room-shine. Matt and Sarah, stairways, halls, and attic-shine. Mary and Carlos, your parents, Simon's and Matt's rooms-shine. Lucy and Kevin, garage-shine. Sam and David, your room-shine. Eric, basement-shine. And I'll take Eric's office and the foyer."

"Shine," Eric mocked the Colonel, who gave him a cruel stare.

Ruthie whispered to Lucy, "At least he forgot the living room; it's the worst."

Lucy nodded her head in agreement.

"As you finish your assigned duties, report to the living room and start doing whatever needs to be done," the Colonel directed, causing the smile that Ruthie had just recently acquired to fade. "That pigsty will be cleaned as a group."

He blew his infamous whistle, "Dis-missed!"


	15. Vacation Time Blues

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Vacation Time Blues**

"I hate this," Cecilia griped. "It's not fair. This is supposed to be our vacation and here we are working."

"Tell me about it! We've been scrubbing this stupid floor for four hours and it doesn't look any cleaner. In fact, it looks dirtier," Simon glanced over to where Cecilia was polishing. "Didn't I just clean that spot?"

Cecilia shrugged. "There was mud on it."

"I _know _I scrubbed that _exact_ spot not five minutes ago! How-," That was when Simon caught a glimpse of brown disappearing up the kitchen stairwell. Everything fell into place. "RUTHIE! Get down here!"

Ruthie came down from her hiding spot, trying to keep a straight face. "Yes, dear brother?"

"What did you do to the floor?"

Ruthie smiled innocently, "Why, whatever do you mean, dearest brother?"

"Stop calling me that," Simon snapped.

"Oh, alright. What are you talking about, _Simon_?"

"Don't play dumb," Simon barked, "We have scrubbed this entire kitchen twelve times over, yet it's not getting any cleaner! And, what's more, I just cleaned by those stairs, again, and there's dirt already there. Why, _dear sister_?"

Ruthie shrugged.

"Stop it," Simon hollered. This kid was driving him crazy. Why couldn't she be a normal teenage girl who loved shopping and primping and boys? Why'd she get her pleasure out of torturing her siblings, namely him? "I know you're the one putting dirt everywhere. You're not as sneaky as you used to be."

"Not as sneaky as I used to be!" exclaimed Ruthie, "It took you _four_ hours to figure out that anything was even wrong in the first place. _Four hours_!"

She had a point. Simon hated it when Ruthie had a point. "He sighed, "Just go clean the bathrooms."

"No way. I want to have at least a little fun while you guys are here."

"Ruthie, do those bathrooms shine?"

"Ruthie turned around to face the Colonel, who had somehow magically appeared behind her. She straightened up. "No, sir, they don't."

"Then, About-Face," the Colonel commanded.

Ruthie put her right foot behind her and pivoted, facing the steps.

"I'm glad you've been paying attention to my moves," the Colonel praised. He meant it, too. Ruthie had almost perfected that maneuver.

She, however, didn't see it as such an overwhelming accomplishment. "Yeah, yeah," she muttered.

"Forward March," ordered the Colonel.

As Ruthie headed upstairs, he called, "And, I don't want to see you down here bothering Simon and Cecilia until I've inspected those toilets."

Simon and Cecilia high-fived.

"You two, back to work."

The couple grimaced as they started their task again.

"That's better. Well, I'm off to check on the others," the Colonel exited the room.


	16. Too Much Hair, Too Little Sense

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Too Much Hair, Too Little Sense**

"Here, Mommy," Thomas handed his mother a speck of dirt he'd found.

"Oh," Sarah smiled, "thanks, Sweetie."

She turned to Matt, who was also cleaning the second of the two staircases in the Camden house. "Look at this; the Colonel's even got our baby working."

"I'm surprised Kylie's not down there scrubbing the floors with Simon," Matt shook his head.

On cue, Kylie started screaming. She was upset over the lack of attention she was receiving.

"Should we get her?" Sarah asked, looking towards Justin's room.

"Out of my way!" Cecilia cried, pushing Matt and Sarah out of her way as she ran to her baby's side.

"No, I think she's got it," Matt answered Sarah.

"What's all this talking about?"

Matt turned around and found himself face to face with an angry colonel. "Nothing, Sir. Just discussing how grateful we are that you're allowing us to help with the uh housework and uh… stuff, Sir."

"Well, Son, you're certainly welcome. And I'm glad you've decided to keep your hair shorter. You don't look like a hippie anymore," the Colonel clapped Matt on the back, while Sarah snickered in the background. "Keep up the good work," the Colonel commented.

"With my hair or the cleaning?"

The Colonel laughed, "Oh, how I love that sense of humor. I meant your hair, of course. There's dirt all over those stairs; and did you even start on the attic? Or the halls? Get at it."

The Colonel walked away, chuckling to himself. Matt turned to Sarah, "Oh, ha ha."

"It's OK, Honey. I love your hair, no matter what it's length is." She gave Matt a quick kiss, running a hand through his short locks.

"Thanks."

Up in her parent's bedroom, Mary was having some problems. "Honey, why do you think this isn't cleaning the window?" she held up a bottle of cleaner.

Carlos tried not to laugh, "Because, that's furniture polish, not glass cleaner. Oh, yeah, and the window's open. That's the screen you're trying to clean."

"It is?" Mary looked at the window. "How 'bout that?"

Carlos shook his head. "So, where are the kids?"

"Oh, I sent them with Dad. He wanted an excuse for not cleaning."

"I don't think the Colonel's going to see that as an excuse," Carlos predicted.

"Probably not, but now we can clean faster," Mary replied.

"Assuming you close the window?" Carlos joked.

"Shut up!" Mary retorted, throwing her dust rag at Carlos, but he smiled, catching it.

"There's too much playing going on in here and not enough cleaning," the Colonel bellowed from the doorway.

"Sorry, Sir. We'll get right back on it," Carlos apologized.

"Good boy," the Colonel retreated.

"Good boy?" Carlos repeated.

"Well… I've always thought you resembled a dog," Mary quipped.

Carlos threw the dust rag at her. Having not used her basketball skills in years, Mary could not quite catch it. The rag hit her square in the face, causing Carlos to have to apologize again.


	17. Dissapearing Whistles

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Disappearing Whistles**

"This place is a mess! How are we supposed to clean it?" Lucy exclaimed.

She and Kevin were currently in their old apartment above the Camden's garage. And, after eyeing the mess in there, were becoming increasingly discouraged about their cleaning abilities.

"I can't believe we lived here just two years ago," Kevin said in shock.

"Yeah, as soon as we moved out, Mom and Dad decided to turn our poor little home into a storage room," Lucy cried.

"I don't hear any scrubbing," the Colonel stomped into the room.

"Colonel, this place has boxes everywhere. What are we supposed to do with them? They're not ours to go through," complained Lucy.

"That's not my job, young lady. But, I have great confidence in you. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Goodbye," the Colonel walked out.

"But, but, Colo-"

"Save it, Luce. He's gone," Kevin cut her off.

"But it's not fair. We'll never finish this," Lucy whined, tears coming from her eyes.

"Your Grandpa said he had great confidence in us, so I'm sure we'll think of something."

Lucy gave him a cruel look.

"Look, we'll-" Kevin started. At that moment his cell phone decided to ring. "Just a second, Luce."

"Hello?" he said into the phone.

"Kinkirk, what's that bawling in the background?"

"That's just my wife."

"Who is that?" Lucy demanded, her crying suddenly over.

"Captain Michaels. He wanted to know who was crying," Kevin said with a smile.

"So, Captain, did you need me for something?" he asked over the phone.

"Yeah," Captain Michaels answered, "Manille called in sick. We need you to cover."

"Go to work?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah, I know it's your day off, but we're swamped over here. We could really use your help."

"Uh, sure; I'll be there in ten minutes," Kevin told his boss.

"Thanks."

Kevin ended the call, stuffing the cell back into his pocket.

"You're going to work? How can you leave me here to do all this work alone? Don't you love me?" Lucy cried out, the tears threatening to once again fall.

"Of course I love you. Don't be ridiculous. But, I'm needed at work. It's how we get money, so I have to go. Now, I'm gonna head home, change, and get to work. I'll tell the Colonel on my way out," Kevin kissed Lucy goodbye and stepped out of the apartment.

"Bye," she pouted.

"Colonel, Sir, I was just called into work. So, I'm heading over there. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving." Kevin walked out of the garage.

The Colonel nodded. "Sure thing, Son. I'll go up and give Lucy a hand. But, first I've got to fish this whistle out of the gutter. Haven't the faintest idea how it got there- Aha! I've got it!" He blew the whistle. "And it still works, too."

"Thank you, Sir, about helping Luce, I mean. I'll be back after work."

"OK, goodbye, my boy."

"Uh, Sir, is that Peter Petrowski's bike? I didn't know he was over here."

The colonel looked to where Kevin was pointing, "Oh, yes. Yes, it is. He just showed up about five minutes ago. I tried to get him to leave, but when he said it was for homework… well, I can't have Ruthie failing her classes, now, can I? And the boy was such a pest. So, I let him in, only gave him 30 minutes, though. And he promised to help clean before the homework."


	18. That Darn Whistle

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**That Darn Whistle**

"And he didn't even let us eat breakfast. A glass of water, that's it," Ruthie complained to Peter.

From downstairs, they heard the faint sound of a whistle being blown.

"Aahh!" Ruthie screamed, pulling at her hair. "His stupid whistles! I put the first one in the garbage disposal, so what does he do? Pull another one out of thin air! So I throw that one in the gutter, but he just keeps blowing! It's driving me mad!"

Crazy. Peter shook his head. This school project was never going to get finished. He glanced at Ruthie and slowly started to speak, "So, um, about this project…"

"My grandfather is trying to KILL me and you want to talk about school?"

"Ruthie, dear, those toilets don't shine. Hop to it," the Colonel said, entering the bathroom."

He turned to Peter, "Young man, I let you in, but I won't have you distracting Ruthie from her work. Either help or leave."

"Yes, Sir," Peter saluted.

"At-a-boy," the Colonel walked out.

"So, you helping me or what?" Ruthie asked.

"Nope, sorry, Honey, but if we're not working on school stuff, I've gotta go," Peter responded.

Ruthie growled.

"Fine, I'll help," her boyfriend surrendered. The poor boy was whipped at sixteen. "But, I'm not sticking my hands into that toilet." Well, maybe he still had a bit of dignity.

"Oh, yes you are," Ruthie commanded.

Peter looked at her oddly.

"I'm certainly not going to do it," Ruthie said in response to his stare, "I'm waiting for the fun." She grinned, baring all her teeth.

Peter looked at her, still oddly.

"Watch," Ruthie told him, "3, 2, 1…"

"RUTHIE!" a voice called from the first floor of the house.

Ruthie cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Simon came running into the room, "The Colonel told you to leave us alone!"

"It's just honey," Ruthie said innocently.

"In the carpet!" Simon yelled, "Where could you have possibly gotten THAT much of it!"

Ruthie looked down at her nails and said nonchalantly, "I have my ways."

"And just when did you do it?" Simon continued his ranting.

"After Kylie ate, when you and Cecilia were getting her back to sleep."

"Why, you-"

"What's all the screaming about?" the Colonel interrupted.

"Ruthie, why would you do that?" Cecilia asked angrily, storming into the room, holding a screaming Kylie.

"Do what?" Ruthie grinned.

"Don't play dumb just because the Colonel's here now!" Simon shouted.

The Colonel blew his whistle. "Hey! Now, stop that. I said, 'what's all the screaming about?'"

"Ruthie poured honey all over the dining room floor! And SHE will clean it up, won't you!" Simon swung around to glare at Ruthie, who was batting her eyelashes sweetly.

She laughed, a laugh that was actually more like a cackle.

"Yes, she will," the Colonel said, causing the smile on Ruthie's face to immediately die.

"What? Why?" she yelled.

"You have caused enough trouble around here. You're going to finish the bathrooms _by yourself_, then clean the dining room."

Simon laughed out loud.

"Simon and Cecilia may head into the living room to-"

Kylie cried out, interrupting her great-grandfather.

"-to clean as soon as they get that baby quiet," the Colonel finished, then added, "Young man, you should leave, **now**."

"Ok. Bye, Ruthie. I'll call you later tonight," Peter caught the look the Colonel was giving him, "or maybe it'll be tomorrow." He ran out of the house.

"Bye," Ruthie called after him. "You traitor," she muttered under her breath.


	19. Nice Try

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Nice Try**

"Hi, Boys. How are you doing with the cleaning?" the Colonel asked the twins, entering their room.

"Good, Grandpa," David said.

"Good, _Colonel_," Sam corrected his brother.

"Oh, right. Good, _Colonel_," David agreed.

The Colonel smiled, "Hurry up and finish; then, I'll give you a snack."

"Thanks," Sam said excitedly.

"What kind of snack?" wondered David.

"What do you say to cookies and milk? And, I'll order pizza for tonight."

"Pizza's no good," Sam said. "Daddy ordered it last night and it never came."

"Yeah, it never came," concurred David.

The Colonel looked thoughtful for a minute, which was pretty scary, considering just who he was and his normal personality. "Good point," he finally went back to Earth. "Well, I'll just have to make sure that it does come tonight." The Colonel walked out of the room, smiling a little to himself.

Sam and David looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

Walking down the basement stairs, the Colonel called out, "How are you coming along, Son? Everyone else is almost finished."

"Oh, Dad, hi, um, you know how much I love cleaning basements; it's a favorite pastime of mine, but, uh, you see, Mary kind of asked me to baby-sit the twins while her and Carlos clean. Isn't that right, Kids?"

Johnny and Jessica nodded their heads in response to their grandfather's question.

The Colonel chuckled, "Nice try, Son. Come along, Johnny, Jessica. We'll go play upstairs. Eric, get back to work."

The toddlers followed the Colonel up the stairs. The Colonel, before going through the doorway at the top, turned around to look at Eric, "Uh, Son?"

"Yes, Colonel," Eric answered through clenched teeth.

"You missed a spot, over there, by the furnace."

Eric looked to where his Father was pointing, then back to the Colonel. He stared at him.

"What are you looking at? Go clean that spot. And don't forget the rest of the room, either."


	20. The BIG One

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**The BIG One**

Several hours later, all occupants of the house were standing in formation in the living room. The Colonel paced back and forth between the ranks, "Now, the entire house shines. _Except_ for one room, this room. And I plan on having it shine by six o' clock tonight, at which time the pizza shall arrive. Then, and only then, may we all relax."

"That's only an hour and a half from now," Ruthie announced, after doing the quick math in her head.

"Yeah, we can't possibly be done by then," Lucy complained.

"Especially not with Kylie," added Simon. His daughter started crying to emphasize his point.

"We _will_ be done by six p.m. tonight," the Colonel declared. "There are twelve of us. I'm sure we can manage. The babies, all four of them, shall be put to bed within ten minutes. After that time, Matt, Sarah, Mary, Carlos, Simon, and Cecilia will report back to this room. Now, scram."

Matt, Mary, Simon, and their families made fast with the 'scramming', leaving the Colonel behind with the rest of his prey.

The Colonel continued, "In the meantime, the six of us will start cleaning. As I said before, we _will_ be done by six p.m. tonight." He blew his whistle.

Ruthie screamed.

"Let's get going," the Colonel ordered. "Oh, and, Ruthie," he added, "Don't even think about cancelling the pizza order again tonight."

Ruthie smiled sheepishly. It seemed the Colonel was catching on to all of her pranks.


	21. Annie's Home

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Annie's Home**

Lucy sighed as she sat down on the newly cleaned couch next to Mary. "I didn't think we'd ever finish."

"I told you we'd be done by six p.m., in fact, we're done one full minute earlier," the Colonel said, glancing down at his watch.

"Woo-hoo," Ruthie said, lacking enthusiasm. "Now, can you throw away that stupid whistle?"

"Not a chance, Dear. I must keep this whistle for all time. It's rather precious to me; you see, I've had it for quite some time," said the Colonel, a grin on his aged face.

"No, you haven't," accused Ruthie. "That's the third or fourth one you've pulled out in less than two days. Those are stupid, cheap, little, convenient-store whistles!"

"Well, that may be so, Ruthie, Dear, but I still like my whistle."

Ruthie groaned.

A key turned in the lock of the front door. Happy let loose with a couple of barks that were really almost growls.

"How'd the pizza guy get a key to our house?" Mary asked, for she was, once again, genuinely confused.

"You can't be serious. I cannot be related to such a dumb person."

"No name-calling, Simon; I'll go see who that is," the Colonel said, rising.

The front door, however, opened before he even got out of the living room. "Eric, are you here?" Annie called as she entered the house.

Eric went into the foyer, "Annie? What are you doing back so soon, Honey?"

Annie ran up to her husband. She hugged him. "I just missed you and the kids so much! I had to come back."

"Mom?"

"Mary!" Annie exclaimed. "Sweetie, when did you get here?" She hugged her daughter.

"Yesterday."

"Simon!" Annie hugged him. "Oh, hi, Happy," she leaned down to pet the dog who had walked in with her son. Happy suppressed the urge to beg in a doggie cry, since she couldn't growl.

"Yeah, she got here with the rest of us."

"Matt!" Annie gave her oldest child a bear hug. "Oh, my Babies," she caressed each of their faces to make sure they're really there.

"Hey, Mom." Ruthie hugged Annie.

"Hi, Mom," Lucy entered the foyer, pouting. "We were going to surprise you, but you went and left."

"Oh, Luce, I'm sorry, Baby," Annie kissed Lucy on the cheek. "Is everyone here?"

"Yep," Cecilia answered.

"Every last one of us," Sarah entered, holding a sleepy Thomas' hand.

"Cecilia, Sarah, Tommy," Annie hugged them all.

Simon turned to Matt and laughed. That'll teach his brother to be so obsessive over his son and nicknames.

"What about me?" Carlos asked with a laugh.

"Carlos!" Annie hugged her son-in-law. "Where are the other kids? Kylie? And the twins?"

Kylie wailed. Cecilia pointed to the ceiling. "That would be Kylie, now." She took Simon's hand, pulling him toward the stairs.

"And Johnny and Jessica are asleep."

"Yeah, and Sam and David fell asleep about thirty minutes ago," Matt said. "Me and the Colonel carried them upstairs."

"The Colonel?" Annie questioned.

"Hi, Annie, Dear."

"Colonel! It's so good to see you," Annie said, hugging him.

Simon and Cecilia came back downstairs, Kylie in her mother's arms. Sam and David weren't far behind. They hugged Annie excitedly the second they reached her.

"Hi, Babies," Annie picked each up, kissing their foreheads. Kylie cried.

"Shh-hh," Cecilia patted Kylie's back. "Shh-hh; Shh."

Annie let Sam and David go. "Is somebody jealous because Grandma never told them hello?" she said in a baby-voice wile she took the baby from Cecilia. "Come on; let's all go in the living room. You can catch me up on all your lives," Annie led the way.

"Look at this place," she exclaimed. Everyone cringed, thinking she was about to criticize all their hard work. "It's spotless! You cleaned, too?" The group let out a collective sigh of relief.

"You should've seen it before," Simon said.

Cecilia looked at her husband. "I think it's better that you didn't," she said turning back to Annie.

"Mommy! Matt and Mary and Lucy and Simon and Ruthie made a big mess all over," Sam tattled.

"Yeah, so Grandpa-"

"_Colonel_," Sam corrected David, again.

"Oh, yeah. So, Colonel made us all clean the whole house until it shined."

"And Ruthie bugged Simon and Cecilia," Sam told his mom.

"She poured HONEY everywhere!" David said.

Ruthie tried to tiptoe out of the room.

"Ruthie!"

She turned around, slowly. "Yes, Mom," she laughed nervously.

"What are the boys talking about?" Annie confronted her.

"It's nothing," Eric didn't give Ruthie time to answer. "Dad took care of it."

Happy barked when she saw the Colonel smiling.


	22. Ruthie's Fun

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 7th Heaven.

**Ruthie's Fun**

"Colonel, would you do the honors?" Annie asked her father-in-law as she handed him the carving knife for the turkey.

He readily accepted. "Of course, Dear, I'd love to." He set to work.

Eric glanced around the table. It was Christmas Eve. All of his children were there, happy and healthy. Over the past couple of days, since right before Annie had walked back into the house, actually, the kids had really started to get along. They didn't seem tired or angry anymore. Just happy, happy to be spending time with each other- a thing they rarely got to do anymore. Eric smiled. Life was good.

Matt grinned when he caught his father's smile. Things really were turning around this holiday season. Lucy had had a good idea when she invited them all there. It was great to spend time with his family again.

'I wonder what turkey's made of.' Mary thought to herself. It was some kind of animal, she knew that much. Now, what was it? Pig, maybe? Or cow? She saw Carlos giving her a look. He probably knew what she was thinking. So, why didn't he answer her question? Mary shrugged. 'Oh, well,' she thought. She might as well eat the turkey, whatever animal it came from.

Simon put another forkful of turkey into his mouth. He was now glad Ruthie had conned him into staying, especially since she'd decided to lay off the tricks since his mom had come home. And Kylie seemed to be sleeping more and more, so he wasn't as tired. He was free to enjoy being with his family again. Nothing to worry about right now. And, it felt good.

Ruthie didn't even try to hide the grin she was currently sporting. Everyone would just assume it was because she was happy about all their 'family-bonding'. Of course, she was. But, that wasn't the reason for her smile. No one would suspect that, though. She'd stopped torturing Simon since her mother had returned from her very short vacation. So, naturally, her relatives thought she'd stopped 'playing around', for this reunion, anyway. Oh, how little they knew about her. Her fun wasn't over yet. No, her fun was never over.

Sam and David smiled at each other across the table. It was so good to have everyone back in their home again. There were more people to play with; there were people to be older than; there was… a _very_ scary looking teenage brunette sitting at the other side of the room. What was going on in Ruthie's head? It hurt Sam and David's heads just thinking about it. The girl had a strange mind.

Lucy happily looked around. She'd done it. She'd gotten her mom the perfect Christmas gift. All of her siblings were home, and recently-turned happy. It was perfect, just perfect.

"**RUTHIE**!"

Everyone's heads jerked up from their food at Simon's yell. They stared at him. And then they laughed. From head to foot, on his chair and in his food, Simon was covered with honey.

Even he had to smile a bit, after the initial shock. It was carefully planned and the execution had gone off flawlessly. He couldn't even figure out how she'd rigged it up. How had no one noticed? Ruthie was a genius. Simon had to give her that.

But, it didn't change the fact that he was sticky and his entire family was laughing at, not with, him. So, Simon smiled _only_ a bit.

Ruthie grinned.

**The End**


End file.
